It was a productive trip to Cold Mountain last weekend. We passed a major inspection--electrical, plumbing and framing. We Boracare'd the exterior log cabin walls, we pulled off all the black plastic as well as the gozillion staples that had been holding the black plastic, we filled in all the crevices around the windows and doors and sealed up all the electrical holes, and we began laying tile in the bathroom.

What we didn't do was get mauled by a bear.

It rained Thursday night and when we awoke the next morning we received our first confirmation that there really are bears in them thar woods. Everyone keeps telling us about them but up till now, it's been like the Loch Ness monster: a fictitious thing that you sometimes think you WANT to believe is out there, but you can neither confirm nor deny their existence based on the evidence.

And so you go on with your life. But just to be sure, you don't go swimming in Loch Ness.

We now have bear evidence. A surprisingly large mud cast of a paw.

Does this mean we should give up hiking? When we vacationed in Alaska, we didn't let the threat of bears bother us. We did take precautions though. We made sure we didn't get between a mama and her cub. We kept our distance in the Kenai River where they fished for salmon. And we wore bear bells while hiking. And talked really loud. We did our research and knew what to do if/when we encountered a grizzly.

This situation is no different. Forewarned is forearmed. No; strike that. Forewarned is for keeping your arms.

So I googled "What do you do if you see a black bear?" Presented below are the ACTUAL steps they recommend.

Number One: Stop what you are doing and evaluate the situation.

Too late to stop what I'm doing. Number One IS what I'm doing, and it's trickling down my leg this very minute. And evaluate the situation?? It sounds like the bear is receiving his mid-year  performance assessment. If that's Step One, I think the committee that came up with it should at least start the sentence with the prepositional phrase, "If you haven't already been mauled,..."

Number Two: Identify yourself.

"Me human."

To which the bear replies, "Well you were," and wipes his mouth with his paw. "You now lunch meat. Burp."

The rest of the steps seem kind of moot at this point. But just in case you're ever in the situation:

Number Three is: "Speak in an appeasing tone." You know, something like, "good bear."

Number Four is: "Back away slowly, preferably in the direction you came." Who needs to be told to not walk TOWARD the bear? I want to know what this person is doing in the woods AT ALL.

And Number Five is: "Walk, don't run, at all times keeping your eye on that bear." Because walking backwards in the forest is the best vantage point for watching your intestines spill out.

I truly hope to see every living thing that calls Cold Mountain home, from the turkeys and chipmunks and birds  and mice and bats to the wild things that roar their terrible roars, and gnash their terrible teeth, and roll their terrible eyes, and show their terrible claws like in Maurice Sendak's children's book entitled, Where the Wild Things Are. I welcome you all. And I do hope to see the bears.

But maybe from the porch.